“Police handling a property eviction found 10 goats, 25 pigeons and several bottles of unidentifiable liquid that forced calling in a hazardous materials team.”
---Asheville Citizen-Times 2.28.08
Is it just me, or does this seem un-newsworthy? Let’s be honest, if every time someone found 10 goats, 25 pigeons, and some bottles of weird liquid an article was written, the Asheville Citizen-Times would have to change its name to the Asheville Witch Brewing Chronicle.
I say, so what. I once kept three hamsters inside my breast pocket for a full week. I once filled my attic with squirrels on purpose, just because I like the noise. I once traded my wife for a handsome calf, and to fill the void, I let the calf sleep in the bed. People have animals, and they like to keep them close. Some people like to fill bottles with weird liquids, who cares?
Like most kids, I had to pee in bottles on long road trips. I also liked to keep the bottles. Some kids had rock or bug collections, but I had Mountain Dew bottles full of pee. It’s not weird. My therap---umm…my good friend, Dr. Swarthy, told me that it’s perfectly normal for me to still have 456 Mountain Dew bottles filled with my childhood urine lining the bookcases and shelves of my room. I tend to agree with him. When I feel down, I just pull one down—ah, March, 1962: trip to the Outer Banks. Brings back good memories. I drank two glasses of apple juice before we left the house that morning. The good old days. Bottles of pee = memories. Aristotle once said so.
All I’m saying is that I wish the newspapers would focus on things that are interesting, not average, run-of-the-mill, the-same-old-10-goat-25-pigeon story that everyone is already familiar with. I’ll bet money that there’s a team of five men (okay, there’s a woman too) down in the police lab, trying to figure out what’s in those bottles. Maybe its goat memories, mixed with a touch of pigeon love.
Frank Henry
I know it is a faux paux to write back to back entries...but its the day after Valentine's Day, so back off. What a lame holiday. So lame, that I am willing to break it down for you.
1. If I don't get off work for it, then is it really a holiday? If Ingles doesn't close for it, then I don't consider it real.
2. What does Valentine even mean? I don't think it is a real word. I bet if I looked it up in the dictionary I couldn't find it. But even if I did, it still would be one of those words that just made it by accident.
3. Chocolate and flowers? I don't need that. Give me something useful, like rent money or wine. Or one of those cadbury bunny eggs.
4. Stupid poems. Roses are red, violets are blue. Well actually, violets are...violet, you know, the color purple. And even roses are black after they die, I mean really.
5. Children are encouraged to give valentines to everyone in their class. Oh this sounds like a great idea. Little Johnny, you remember your friend James? Why don't you give him this valentine that says 'Be Mine' and while you are at, give every girl in your class the 'You are super way cute' valentine. Case in point as to why the gay population has risen as high as it has in year 2008, and why Hugh Heffner is active at his old age.
6. Hugs and kisses. XOXO. What does that even mean? Seems like a come on to me, and I am just not interested.
-Wendy Mills
*Just recently the federal government passed a bill that will allow everyone who files a tax refund, receive an additional $600 per person, and $300 per child. The goal is to stimulate the economy, encouraging consumers to spend more. Here is what I will do with every penny of my $600:
I will save it. That’s right, every penny. I think it was Ghandi that said ‘True Love Waits.’ And I love money. So, in effect, ‘True Money Waits.’
*A huge issue that almost all Americans have yet to mention in the 2008 Presidential Primary races also reverts back to money. Which candidate would look the best on a coin or bill? Who cares about issues that will only last for a year or two, money lasts forever. So to me, it is easy, I would love to see John McCain on a coin. Why? Because it is marketable. One McRib for 5 McCain’s. Makes almost too much sense.
*Buncombe County schools were given a gift of over $2 million dollars last week by an anonymous donor to be divvied up among the county’s high schools. Many ask what the schools will do with the money. I ask – who gave the sum? My guess is McCauley Caulkin. He has ties to the area from his role in the locally filmed ‘Richie Rich’, and according to the Internet did attend school growing up.
*A fun little story – this week a Raleigh woman was rewarded the cost of one breast implant, when it was found by a state court that her implants were covered under workers compensation. I think this explains why there seemed to be some sort of celebration going on at Bedtyme Stories last night.
*It was reported this week that Asheville may face a $1.3 million deficit for the coming fiscal year. How did this exactly happen? My guess, which is usually right, is that not as many people come to the Biltmore House anymore. Think about it, all of the kids who saw it on a field trip when they were younger are adults now and have other things to do.
*Lastly, a happy note, as Mountain Bank reported record earnings in 2007. You have to think that most people that use Mountain Bank, envision their money being stored away in a safe inside of a mountain, thousands of feet above sea level, which is the same reason why many Americans drink Coors Light. Maybe I will put my $600 tax refund in Mountain Bank.
*Wendy Mills*
Since both Mike and Frank used lists for their columns, I decided to follow their style. I know that growth and land development are of significant interest to most mountain residents, so I thought I would outline four trends to keep your eye out for in the coming months. I feel as though the Cherokee blood in my veins (1/16) allows me to lay my ear to the proverbial ground of our region and sense these coming changes.
1. High buildings and residents. Many cities and towns that are experiencing sustained growth are feeling the pressure to extend upward. Residents and planners alike are often talking about constructing tall buildings in places where three stories had once seemed immense. I predict that once these places start building up (literally), the drugs will come. I’ve seen enough episodes of Law and Order to know that bad things happen in hotel rooms and offices 12 floors into the sky. My opinion is to keep the buildings short so that the local Joe can see in the windows, but I figure that the sky is no longer the limit for buildings and parties.
2. Lawsuits over Development Names. It’s only a matter of time until someone names a brand new development Glen or Ridge something, and someone a county over sues the new development for stealing its trademarked name. Pretty soon the mountains are going to run out of vague, romantic development names and people are going to start repeating used ones. I call Craggy Butte.
3. Fill dirt mini-storage facilities. Fill dirt makes money. Apparently so do mini-storage units. It won’t take long for local entrepreneurs to realize that these two ventures go hand in hand. A storage unit full of fill dirt will not only help start shoring up the ground around a new mountain estate, it will also serve as an extra attic once the dirt is securely under the house.
4. Charter buses. I’ve kept this idea to myself for a long time, but I’ll never have the time (or money) for it, so I’ll go ahead and let it out. Plus I think it’s only a matter of time before someone else starts this business. Quite a bit of Western North Carolina is made of “half-backers”—people who spend half of the year in Florida and the other half here. In the next year or so, charter buses will start running the route from WNC to Florida when the weather changes. In October, buses will leave the area, and in March, they’ll bring folks back North. The buses will be high-dollar, top-of-the-line vehicles, with bathrooms (that alone will save seniors 3 hours travel time), TVs with closed captioning, bingo boards, and a shuffleboard court in the back. The travelers won’t have much need for luggage since they will have stored most of their belongings in the local fill dirt storage facility.
I’m not a prophet, but I pay attention to the winds and trends.
Rick Yelton
The world’s going to flood, they say. I don’t know if I buy it, but I’ve hopped on the green bandwagon anyway. You should hop on too. It’s easy. Below I’ve written seven changes that you can make to your life without any great discomfort so that you too can stop the water from rising. Ready? (Al Gore is going to play the banjo for background music.)
-Line your mouth with biodegradable napkins. That way all of the leftover food particles will be saved, and you can pull them out, wrap them up, and save them for later without having to use plastic or Tupperware (or floss).
-Recycle non-recyclable items. I threw a portable radio in with my aluminum cans for the pickup last week. I’m sure the garbage guys will thank me next week. No need, guys. Just doing my part.
-Always keep a bike on top of your car. I never ride the things, but this way I at least know that if my Hemi were to run clean out of gas, I could bike to get some more.
-Shorten words. The less you talk the less pollution into the air. For example, instead of saying, “that basketball championship was incredible,” say, “that basky champ was incred.”
-Save the grass you cut. I’ve already managed to make two t-shirts, one flip-flop, a parka, a belt, and a hoop earring from my cut grass.
-Run places. When you arrive, yell, “I’ve saved you time; you’ll thank me later.” I love doing that into church or drive up windows.
-Last. Wash your clothes and dishes together. And don’t feel bad about using the dryer. Who ever thought of hanging saucepans on the clothesline? How ridiculous (do, though, remember to clean the lint filter).
These are desperate times, but we don’t need desperate efforts. Just small changes here and there and splash! The world is saved.
You’re welcome, world.
-Frank A. Henry
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